Because newspapers broker in ideas and also stir the political pot, they attract all manner of hell-raisers, free-thinkers, marginal literary types, crackpots, cranks, wits, half-wits, intellectuals, pseudo-intellectuals, highballs and goofballs. And that’s just the reporting staff.
Then there are the hangers-on, the sources, interlopers and news junkies who frequent newsrooms. They seem never to get enough of the drama and gossip that drive the media and they love newspapers as much or more than reporters and editors do.
It’s the combined strains of “newspaper types” that make newspaper offices an interesting, sometimes wildly entertaining, place to work. News reporters – the best ones – talk about everything, continually. The ether born of deadline stress, caffeine and careful truthfulness produces funny, insightful and occasionally profound conversations and observations.
During my 27 years at the Chilkat Valley News, visitors who would stop in to chat would often remark, “This must be a fun place to work.” (Though it must be said that a wag who worked down the hall once told us, “If people in this town knew what you guys said in here, you’d all be strung up.”)
In the movie, “The Paper,” arguably the most accurate film portrayal of newspaper culture, actress Marisa Tormei plays a reporter on maternity leave who momentarily steps back into her big-city newsroom where staff discussion devolves into a rising cacophony. Finally, to quiet everyone down a columnist played by Dennis Quaid fires a revolver into a bundle of old newspapers. Tormei’s character looks around the office and mutters, “God, I miss this place.”
Many former newspaper reporters could surely relate. Newspapering is not easy. The pay is bad, the hours are long, and the work is mostly tedious. But there’s a magnetism that surrounds newspapers and much of that occurs in newspaper offices, in the chatter and characters found there.
Sometime in the late 1990s, Chilkat Valley News reporter Steve Williams jotted down on a Post-It note a morsel of conversation he found funny and stuck it on the cabinet above the office refrigerator. Other Post-Its followed, and the cabinet became known to staffers as “the wall,” a collection of utterances that – after 20 years – became a compilation of humor if not something of a thumbnail history of the office and its denizens.
Most of the below quotations were bits of conversations at the CVN office, roughly between 1997 and 2017. Some are from stories, letters-to-the-editor or phone conversations. All were notable enough to find their way onto sticky notes.
After I sold the CVN, I pulled down the quotes to let a new generation record their inspirations. (A new list has been started.) But I still have all those scraps of paper. For some reason, I can’t bear to part with them. In no particular order, this is what they say. Beware, some include profanity. Newspaper types use the language freely.
Bookkeeper Jane Pascoe to publisher husband Tom Morphet: “She lives inside. She can’t have too many diseases unless she’s caught them from us.”
— Reporter Karen Garcia, overhearing the conversation: “Me?”
“Humanoids in Haines have learned to walk.”
- Hiker Paul Swift on the increased popularity of climbing Mount Ripinsky
“There ain’t no hope for mankind. There are too many cars and oil running into the ocean. It’s just not penciling out, I’m telling you.”
- Boulevardier Joe Parnell, on the fate of the species
“If God is supporting Sarah Palin, then I am officially, and for the record, a Satanist.”
- Joe Parnell, delivering a death blow to the Palin campaign
“Most of our problem in this town is believing we’re brilliant and ignoring how things are done elsewhere. Brilliance is mostly about discovering the best way that something is already being done and copying that.”
- Tom Morphet, on stealing ideas
“We specialize in contacting people.”
- Karen Garcia, to Jane’s question about how she knew a subscriber’s email address
“Precedence is something we should be careful not to set.”
- City of Haines Mayor Dave Black during city council meeting, Dec. 5, 2001
“You have as much right to the principle of verticality as the other person does.”
- Reporter Steve Williams, on the fundamentals of basketball, to Pizza Joe
“That’s when people get their nuts bonked. When they’re fucking around.”
- Reporter Jessica Edwards, on the hazards of goofing off
“Haines does not have a redemption policy.”
- Expelled tour operator Dave Button, ruminating on his tenure in town
“Oh God, I self-incriminated myself.”
- Tom Morphet, jabbering on
“People fear the unknown and that’s a shame. There’s a lot of worthwhile things in the unknown.”
- Joe Parnell on the invisible world
“The reason Republicans lie so much and own all the media is because their platform is offensive to any human being if presented truthfully.”
- Something Joe Parnell cadged from the Internet
“I don’t see why Debra (Schnabel) can’t be manager. She owns a trailer court. That’s all this town is, a trailer court with a couple gun stores and carry-outs.”
- Joe Parnell on Schnabel’s borough manager prospects
“You don’t realize that in the big-person world, people – especially those with power – are vile, stupid and dictatorial.”
- Joe Parnell on the nature of power
“As individuals, we can be pretty cool, but as a race, humans are a bad apple.”
- Joe Parnell
“Ideas don’t work unless you do.”
- Joe Parnell, working on motivating himself
“Do you know what’s the problem… I’m too tired to answer my own question.”
- Karen Garcia, exasperated
“I’m allergic to the Body of Christ.”
- Reporter Jick McIver, on taking communion at Easter Sunday service
“As long as we can foist responsibility for our problems on others, we’ll be alright.”
- Joe Parnell
“That’s what’s on the little paper here.”
- Acting Mayor Jerry Lapp at the July 26 borough assembly meeting, on why an ordinance had been scheduled for introduction and a first hearing at the same meeting
“Maybe he’s just a bad pronuncer.”
- Reporter Krista K., mispronouncing pronouncer
“People have been pooping since Biblical times.”
- Joe Parnell, tracing the history of defecation
“This town has more problems than just being a cool place.”
- Reporter Krista K.
“This tourism thing’s getting complicated.”
- Proofreader Diana Kelm, reading a story on why the Haines Borough should send boats to Skagway to ferry cruise ship visitors to town
“There’s like, no normal, intelligent people here except for me… I mean really intelligent.”
- Karen Garcia, on the town’s paucity of intellectual peers
“I’ve got fertile eggs.”
- Interim advertising manager Melina Shields, saying something about her ducks
“I’ve always wanted to see how a ship is built.”
- Ferry system engineer Jim Jurgeleit, lead inspector on construction of the new fast ferry Fairweather
“Information is the basis of all knowledge.”
- Tom Morphet attempting to link news to wisdom
“I’m not negative. I’m just observant.”
- Reporter Kristin Bigsby
“Long term, I’m willing to accept short-term problems.”
- Conservative bulldog Terry Pardee from a March 3 CVN letter
“It’s like roulette. If you say enough B.S., once in a while the ball will go into the truth hole.”
- Joe Parnell, on the link between truth and gaming, after being told to pipe down
“Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren’t used to an environment where excellence is expected.”
- Borough manager David Sosa quoting Steve Jobs in his email sign-off
“The goal of being intelligent has been replaced by the 50-inch plasma.”
- Joe Parnell
“Chicks can smell security and he reeks of it.”
- Joe Parnell, on why a hot chick is dating a middle-aged, Tier 1 state retiree
“She’s a shiny car with a fast engine.”
- Joe Parnell’s description of the hot chick attracted to the middle-aged, Tier 1 state retiree
“I feel warm inside when the burn pile’s burning.”
- Joe Parnell, rummaging for sentences
“Political correctness is social cowardice.”
- Terry Pardee, Oct. 11, 1999
“I don’t like to talk to people very often.”
- Krista K., former news reporter
“Any idiot knows that two-thirds is 75 percent.”
- Kristin Bigsby doing reporter math
“Sometimes success comes from just not making mistakes, sometimes mediocrity.”
- Tom Morphet on how to achieve success
“Ralph Borders is our Bill Clinton.”
- Jick McIver, equating the public works guy to the leader of the free world
“He has to go out and shoot something every once in while or else he’d have to take it out on people.”
- Jenny Lyn Smith, on why husband Bruce Smith, public works director, was at the rifle range
“Oh, it’s YOU!”
- Karen Garcia to Alaska Gov. Sean Parnell, after waiting for too long outside the CVN rest room, as Parnell exited it
“We are paying the price for generations of lousy social studies teachers.”
- Tom Morphet, on the nation’s decline
“That’s who we are. We’re a developing race of people.”
- Photographer Matt Davis, explaining another person’s huge lapse of judgment
“All respect comes from fear of consequences.”
- Terry Pardee, Feb. 7, 2000
“I’m reclaiming my elitism. You’re supposed to apologize for being smarter than other people. I’m not apologizing, bitch.”
- Reporter Krista K.
“Jokes kind of irritate me, actually.”
- Jessica Edwards, exasperated by office banter
“Somebody needs a major tweakin’ and it’s not me.”
- Kristin Bigsby
“Bring ’em in when you can. Send them away when you’re done.”
- Tour operator Ned Rozbicki, reference uncertain
“I don’t think people think enough about fiber.”
- Jessica Edwards
“He said what he said and I said what he said, and that’s the way it is.”
- Jessica Edwards, on Mayor Fred Shields’ claim that he was misquoted
“Whenever you bring 1,000 or 2,000 people into town, they’re going to have some biological needs to be addressed.”
- Interim borough manager Bob Ward, on the need for new toilets at the cruise ship dock
“Bullshit walks and money… Well, you know what I mean.”
- Tom Morphet, flubbing a quote
“This isn’t the fuckin’ government. We can get drunk and naked in here.”
- Tom Morphet, on the benefits of working in the private sector
“There’s going to be a juice bar? I want some juice!”
- Reporter Natalie Helms, on the prospect of a juice bar at Thor’s gym
“We need to amplify the feedback loop.”
- Consultant Jason Gamache, calling for more public comment on borough facilities
“Too many people having second servings instead of sex.”
- Tom Morphet, explaining America’s obesity crisis
“There are only so many things a guy friend is good for.”
- Duly Noted columnist Sara Chapell, on the limitations of platonic relationships
“Language is fluid, man.”
- Karen Garcia, justifying her use of “squandering” as a noun
“It’s easy to be incredible when you don’t have a job.”
- Karen Garcia, on the exploits of outdoor adventurers
“The world would be a better place for me if everyone thought about me as much as I did.”
- Karen Garcia
“There isn’t a species on this planet that needs sexual training.”
- Town brewer Paul Wheeler, on sex education
“I’ve done enough self-examination. I’m trying to get out of that shit.”
- Advertising manager Russ Lyman, Feb. 29, 2008
“Hate is more interesting than love.”
- Tom Morphet
“Janet and I thought we might give a $1,000 scholarship to the senior most likely to end up living in one of our mini-storage units.”
- Businessman Dan Harrington
“I’m being discriminated against because I look like an ogre.”
- Former reporter Krista K., on not being promoted at the Haines Borough
“It’s a one-night stand that has gone on for eight years.”
- Joe Parnell, explaining a relationship he was in
“I set an arbitrary deadline.”
- Joe Parnell
“Good reporters are a pain in the ass. That’s what makes them good reporters.”
- Tom Morphet
“The world is a big opportunity. It’s all a matter of how you squander it.”
- Reporter Micah True, summer solstice 2001
“If you’re afraid of germs, you’re definitely afraid of poon-tang.”
- Reporter Matt Hawthorne, on sex and hygiene
“Soul-baring is nothing but trouble, man. Just keep it to yourself.”
- Steve Williams, Dec. 20, 2000
“There’s a certain tolerance of sleaze-balls in this town but he’s exceeded even that.”
- Tom Morphet on a ne’er-do-well who flunked out of Haines
“We don’t have Russ (Lyman). We don’t have Sharon (Resnick). Thank God a couple people died this week.”
- Tom Morphet on the prospect of filling a second, 16-page CVN in September
“Dave Button belongs here with us. He’s one of the freaks in our show.”
- Tom Morphet
“It isn’t funny. It isn’t astute. It’s just the dumb ravings of a lunatic.”
- Planning commission chairman Rob Goldberg on Joe Parnell’s column “Wonderings”
“Don’t be sorry, Tom. Be normal.”
- Reporter Krista K. to Tom Morphet
“We can’t solve all the world’s problems but we can go to the next party.”
- Advertising manager Leslie Evenden
“That’s something I learned from George Bush. You don’t have to make any sacrifices.”
- Jessica Edwards
Jick McIver: “Back to attempting to work.”
Karen Garcia: “Oh Jickie, you little chipmunk.”
“You can’t be responsible for how she feels, but you can be responsible for what she’s wearing.”
- Steve Williams dispensing relationship advice
“Time doesn’t stand still in Haines, but it lingers.”
- Tom Morphet, on the town’s Rip Van Winklian nature
“I hate serial killers. I really don’t like them at all.”
- Joe Parnell, taking a hard stand against homicidal maniacs
“I’m tired of rising to the occasion. I’ve risen to the occasion enough in my damn life.”
- Russ Lyman on exhausting his virtue
“You young people just want to kiss each other all over.”
- Joe Parnell’s criticism of the younger generation
“Sex is a loss leader for women. Once they get you to marry them, all the specials are off.”
- Store owner Dennis Miles on the business of romance and marriage
“A, I don’t drink, and B, I don’t mingle.”
- Reporter Krista K., on why she wasn’t going to a party
“Zumba’s kind of dangerous.”
- CVN archivist Kerry McIver on why she wouldn’t go to Zumba a few days before playing in an ice hockey tournament
“I’m here to bring justice by betraying others.”
- Former reporter Krista K., on narcing out a co-worker
“Why are people weird but they don’t seem weird at first?”
- Kerry McIver, on the misleading nature of first impressions
“Sitting there four to five hours and everything they did made me ill.”
- Jessica Edwards, after covering her final borough assembly meeting
“This town deserves fuckin’ bluegrass.”
- Environmental activist Sue Libenson on the paucity of musical styles in Haines
“I think I am becoming a worse person.”
- Karen Garcia, on her mental state after three years of reporting in Haines
“We all have lots of dead relatives.”
- CVN owner Bonnie Hedrick to a caller upset about names edited from a Duly Noted birth announcement
“The difference between genius and stupidity… stupidity has limits.”
- Leslie Evenden, botching a popular quote
“There’s always time for a beer and a nap somewhere along the line. Otherwise, you’re making a serious mistake.”
- Sculptor Judd Mullady on life’s priorities
“Carrots are not one of your posh, Chicago, above-ground vegetables, okay?”
- Reporter Peter D’Auria to Karen Garcia’s criticism of his carrots as tasting like dirt
“I hate this town. I hope everyone dies of cancer.”
- Karen Garcia, exasperated
“Figures can lie and liars can figure.”
- Terry Pardee
“JoJo isn’t the name of a dog. It’s a piece of potato.”
- Jessica Edwards, on improper pet names
“He who sells what isn’t his’n must buy it back or go to prison.”
- Summer resident Vic Wratten, explaining economics and justice
“Why do you think they call it dopamine?”
- Tom Morphet, explaining runner’s high
“Reason doesn’t stand a chance.”
- Tom Morphet’s planned gravestone inscription
“The reason we are disappointed is because we believed all the lies they told us when we were kids.”
- Joe Parnell
“The problem is, they’re not as smart as me.”
- Tom Morphet, on everyone else
“I can’t be bothered by pretty women.”
- Tire shop operator John Winge
“Jick (McIver) has an urgent life project that is yet to be defined.”
- Tom Morphet
“Sometimes I like to clean out my friends’ list.”
- Jick McIver, on the fickle nature of Facebook friendship
“A mistake is at least trying.”
- Unknown
“You can only cry at a meeting if a puppy is beheaded.”
- Reporter Krista K., on public meeting etiquette
“Why does everyone have to be fucked up in some fundamental, irreversible way?”
- Karen Garcia, on human frailty
“Everyone needs to be tortured, and then killed.”
- Reporter Krista K.
“If you’re going to be miserable either way, you might as well be rich.”
- Reporter Krista K. on Leslie Evenden’s romantic options
“Five saltines in two minutes, 21 seconds.”
- CVN advertising manager Zach Sheldon, boasting the office speed record for eating crackers dry
“I ain’t puttin’ in for shit. I still got some money left.”
- Matt Hawthorne, in an email from South America, responding to an editor’s question of which pending story assignments he’d like to cover for the CVN