(PHONE CALL INTERCEPT, SANTORINI, Greece) –
“Vlad, Vlad, pick up. I’m schvitzing over here. The cops changed the locks on the yacht and they took my rugby team and Olga – remember her, the gymnast with the great caboose – she left me for some punk flanker who plays for Manchester.”
“Sorry, Boris, I’m kind of tied up with Kiev right now. Can we talk later?”
“No. I’m in a youth hostel, living on pel mini noodles and you’re putting me on hold? Listen to me, you putz. What the hell were you thinking? The Ukraine? That’s where the Union went for Olympic boxers. Those people are the Aryan mujahedin.”
“Well, I was thinking of getting the Union back together, like back in the day…”
“Listen, you moron. Where you been the last 30 years? World domination is not a thing anymore. I mean, not using bombs and tanks. We already own half the terrain in London, New York, Chicago, the Trump stuff and the Internet. How much do you want?”
“Ukraine was ours. I want it back…”
“Sure, we’d get it back. We could buy it for chump change if we wanted. I mean, it’s not like we’re running out of sunflower seeds. This killing blondes thing is not playing well on Facebook.”
“Well, what about Russian pride?”
“Oh, Jesus. Get with the program. Look at our friends down in Sicily. The wrote the book on this stuff. You lay low. Small house. Plain car. You get everyone in hock to you. That’s how you control the world. You drop a big bill in the plate at Sunday Mass and your neighbors say nice things about you…”
“So what do I do with the military?”
“Who cares? Have yourself some parades in Red Square. But remember the Cold War? A giant empire and all the rubles in the world and you still couldn’t buy decent orthodontic work. You know what the cool-kid nations are doing now? They’re apologizing to the people they overran a hundred years ago. And their poll numbers are through the roof… I swear you spent too much time with that loser Melania hooked up with.”
“Don’t go there. We would own the US if some black chicks in Detroit and Philly hadn’t stood out in the cold all day to vote…”
“Look, don’t sweat America. We’ve already got half of ‘em watching Fox and shopping at Dollar General. They’re pinned down as good as our own schmucks were during the Union. The Yanks had us by the short hairs then. One letter bomb dropped on Moscow with photos of meat sections of their supermarkets and we’d have been out of business…”
“Hey Boris, I gotta go. I just lost another general.”
“Can you just put some bitcoins on my account? I’m starving over here… Don’t hang up on me. I OWN you!”