There will be no more ravens, at least in terms of street names, at least for now, and we mean it this time.
That’s about all borough officials can muster after stepping into the quicksand of what we call streets and roads around here.
Some efficiency-minded public employee questioned why our town has a Raven Drive, Raven Road and Raven Street but no Crow Ave., and wouldn’t it make more sense – for dispatchers, fire crews and the rest of us – if we had only one street named for the venerable Raven.
“Help. Send an ambulance. I live at 43 Raven,” says the person dialing 911. “Which Raven do you live at, Raven Drive, Raven Road or Raven Street?” asks the dispatcher. (In fairness, there are no homes yet on Raven Street.)
What’s with all this Raven? With all due respect to the Tlingit deity, there are at least 239 other birds in the Chilkat Valley. Merriam-Webster’s unabridged lists 449,999 other words in the English language. At last count, our borough has only 213 official streets, roads, avenues, drives, boulevards, lanes, loops, spurs, courts, ways, spurs, circles and trails. Certainly we have options.
Perhaps the Raven with the largest number of residents could keep its name, but the other two might become Oystercatcher Street and Woodpecker Way?
Nope. It’s not to be. Two public hearings brought out Raven residents, and in the fine tradition of Haines politics, they’re not budging. So borough officials, like parents in the front seat of the car, are warning the kids in the back: Fine. Have your three Ravens. But you’re not getting another.
I’m going out on a limb here. I’m with the bureaucrats. Not only because of confusion from duplicate names, but also because I’m tired of ravens. Ravens are everywhere in this town. They’re all over Tlingit culture and art and in every bag of groceries in every truck bed on Main Street.
Not only are there other birds for street names, there’s a galaxy of other critters, plants, trees, famous people, landmarks, geographical features and Tlingit words to choose from.
Sure, you can live on Raven. But wouldn’t you rather live on Woolly Mammoth or Killer Whale? Indeed – and I hate to say it just this way – the borough has made some inroads toward creative, whimsical and interesting street names with Jumping Dog Lane, Great She Bear Drive, Snow Shadow Drive, Billy Goat Road, Skedaddle Road, Fraction Road, Matrix Drive and Hooter Lane.
That’s a start but we can do better. We tell tourists we have more creative people here than anywhere. So let’s have at it. Let’s trade in Small Tracts Road, Union Street, Highland Drive and the rest for something snappy and place-based.
Why is it we have no Salmon Street, no Rubber Boot Road, not even a Harbor Drive?
How about a Rainy Day Road, Despair Drive and Last Chance Lane? To be fully representational, why not a Redneck Road and a Hippie Highway? Retiree Road? Patchouli Place? Old Fart Ave? Trust Fund Terrance? Holy Roller Way?
For the love of God, we could have some fun with this.
And while we’re at it, can we rebrand Main Street? That’s no street name. Skagway’s main drag is Broadway. Now that’s a street name.